Typically narcissistic blogging.

Being Single II: Limbo

This is the longest I have been single—that is to say, without somebody to be emotionally involved with or sleep with on a regular basis—since I was still in my teens. This is not extraordinary. Neither is the fact that I’m totally cool with it. But I am still gonna write an entire blog post about it, maybe because it is so unextraordinary.

For the time being I have a job. It won’t last much longer, which is sad, but it has provided some structure in my life, something to do with my time, and perhaps most importantly, a means of purchasing whiskeypaying rent.

I get up in the morning, I go to work, I work hard, I go home. Sometimes I see friends, although lately not so much. When I go home, it’s to my cat and my guitar, and to a queen-sized bed that, apart from books, various pieces of laundry and things I need to put away, is empty until I get into it. It’s not the most exciting life, and sometimes, when I am surrounded by a mass of exhausted people heading home at the end of the day, I feel like I am in Metropolis.

I am loving it.

I am also loving being on my own. Not the kind of loving being on my own that comes from post-breakup bitterness, or that empowerment that comes from anger or from the feeling that happiness is the best kind of revenge. This is no longer a reaction to my ex. This is strictly for me. Healthy, right?

Well, rather than live in the moment and just enjoy it, I panicked. What if I get lost in this, become complacent? What if I get so used to being alone I forget I want to find somebody? What if I spend the rest of my life blogging about relationships without ever finding one again? What if I move to Berkeley and start collecting neighborhood cats and wearing tie dye—

And then I walked to the mirror (I was in one of the bathrooms at work for this little panic attack), gripped the sides of the sink and looked myself in the eye. “Shut. The fuck. Up. Shut the fuck up. Shutthefuckup.”

Having glared and f-bombed myself back to relative calm, I noted the following:

  1. I will never move to Berkeley.
  2. I will never wear tie dye.
  3. Collecting neighborhood cats is always a possibility. Also, dogs.
  4. It’s far too early to be worried about being alone forever.

So I think I am slowly becoming more comfortable with being comfortable with being alone. And I think if I do this the right way, it will make me more of a candidate for a good relationship rather than less. Knowing me, that’s a seriously big ‘if’, but I am gonna run with it.

7 responses

  1. I identified with this post probably a little too much than I should. My current situation sounds eerily similar down to making enough money to keep me in whiskey.
    You are not alone! Let’s drink to that!

    April 13, 2011 at 8:49 am

    • Not alone in being alone, huh? I’ll definitely drink to that. *clink*

      April 13, 2011 at 8:53 am

  2. Serafina

    It’s when you stop looking, and are content with being alone, that you find the perfect someone. People put off more attractive-vibes in that state. So keep not-looking, and it’ll happen! ;)

    April 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

  3. Mistress of the Darkside

    Being comfortable being alone absolutely makes you a better candidate for a relationship. And you should absolutely cherish these moments with yourself because even you know that they aren’t going to last.
    I’m certainly not complaining about my life. My life is great and all, but I relish the days where I talk to no one and I’m all alone in the house to finally be with just me. Sometimes I really miss me.

    April 13, 2011 at 10:53 am

  4. Sarah

    I don’t know: this may be quite a dangerous state of affairs. I note that it was after spending by far my longest stretch since my teens alone that I let my guard down and fell in love so hard that I ended up married and procreating and stuff. So, you know, enjoy the time with yourself while you have it; after all, you are pretty amazing company.

    April 13, 2011 at 11:18 am

  5. 0ntological

    YES. That is all.

    April 13, 2011 at 3:48 pm

  6. Lenore

    like!

    April 14, 2011 at 7:06 am

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