Being Single II: Limbo
This is the longest I have been single—that is to say, without somebody to be emotionally involved with or sleep with on a regular basis—since I was still in my teens. This is not extraordinary. Neither is the fact that I’m totally cool with it. But I am still gonna write an entire blog post about it, maybe because it is so unextraordinary.
For the time being I have a job. It won’t last much longer, which is sad, but it has provided some structure in my life, something to do with my time, and perhaps most importantly, a means of
purchasing whiskeypaying rent.
I get up in the morning, I go to work, I work hard, I go home. Sometimes I see friends, although lately not so much. When I go home, it’s to my cat and my guitar, and to a queen-sized bed that, apart from books, various pieces of laundry and things I need to put away, is empty until I get into it. It’s not the most exciting life, and sometimes, when I am surrounded by a mass of exhausted people heading home at the end of the day, I feel like I am in Metropolis.
I am loving it.
I am also loving being on my own. Not the kind of loving being on my own that comes from post-breakup bitterness, or that empowerment that comes from anger or from the feeling that happiness is the best kind of revenge. This is no longer a reaction to my ex. This is strictly for me. Healthy, right?
Well, rather than live in the moment and just enjoy it, I panicked. What if I get lost in this, become complacent? What if I get so used to being alone I forget I want to find somebody? What if I spend the rest of my life blogging about relationships without ever finding one again? What if I move to Berkeley and start collecting neighborhood cats and wearing tie dye—
And then I walked to the mirror (I was in one of the bathrooms at work for this little panic attack), gripped the sides of the sink and looked myself in the eye. “Shut. The fuck. Up. Shut the fuck up. Shutthefuckup.”
Having glared and f-bombed myself back to relative calm, I noted the following:
- I will never move to Berkeley.
- I will never wear tie dye.
- Collecting neighborhood cats is always a possibility. Also, dogs.
- It’s far too early to be worried about being alone forever.
So I think I am slowly becoming more comfortable with being comfortable with being alone. And I think if I do this the right way, it will make me more of a candidate for a good relationship rather than less. Knowing me, that’s a seriously big ‘if’, but I am gonna run with it.