Being Single III: The Ninja Factor
One of the things I was really enjoying about being single was the utter lack of real desire I felt for anybody. Even people to whom I had been previously attracted were nothing more than a side note to my libido, which was apparently taking a nice long, deep nap. I even managed to tend bar at an event where tons of hot women were crowding my bar, all wanting my attention, all wanting what I had to offer without it even occurring to me to flirt with any one of them.
This was a relief. This was safety, of a sort. If I didn’t want anybody, I didn’t have to worry about getting in any way involved, getting hurt, or even about what I looked like when I left the house.
And I have been prizing safety above all things, which makes sense, given the emotionally abusive relationship I left late last year. I turned myself off, to the point where I felt so little when I was around otherwise incredibly attractive women that I was actually a little nervous. I was almost worried I had done too good a job. But I was good. My defenses were up, I didn’t have to worry about attraction, and I was ready to move through the world like this indefinitely.
Recently has put paid to that plan. Recently has fucked everything up. Recently…I encountered this incredible woman who is also apparently a freakin’ ninja for all the resistance my defenses put up against her. A freakin’ ninja of hotness. Now, maybe I’m in the minority here, but it just didn’t seem like I should be guarding myself against hotness ninjas. I didn’t even know there were hotness ninjas, and I am absolutely surrounded by gorgeous women on a regular basis.
Anyway, that’s an area for later research and possibly some diagrams.
The point is, she’s hot. No. What?
The point is, I am no longer in that awesome safe place. And I just don’t know how I feel about the fact that I want somebody again, or the vulnerability that attends the wanting. And I confess, there is some part of me that wants to go stick my head in the sand again, if that’s even possible right now. But I am too busy enjoying the ways in which she makes me go weak in the knees. And looking at her. I’m attributing this to her hotness ninja powers. Hotness ninjas have powers—or at least, that’s a fact I expect my research to reveal.
I’m just genuinely hoping this isn’t a mistake and that, if it isn’t, I will allow myself to have some fun. Because, you know—hotness ninja.