Typically narcissistic blogging.

2012

The very first thing I did in 2011 was wake up, shower, and go to the grocery store to buy the ingredients to make Raspberry Crack for Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman.

At the time, I thought: holy crap. I am leaving a year filled with pain, anxiety, emotional abuse, misery and more pain. And I am leaping into a year that begins with one of my favorite authors and one of my most beloved musical artists, as well as some of my best friends in the world (Hi Whitney and Alexei!). Around a kitchen table. At which I will be sitting. Wow.

What could possibly go wrong?

Ultimately, very little. Very little had to go wrong. 2011 was a year of trying to convince myself that I could survive the status quo. Little secret between me, you, and the rest of the internet? Almost didn’t happen. Survival, I mean. 2011 brought me the closest to suicide I have been in a decade.

Sounds dramatic, right? I guess suicide is dramatic, but I don’t intend to make a splash with the idea.

I mostly mention it to give you some context, Gentle Reader, for my mindset coming into 2012. I have spent 2011 trying to put my head and my heart back together. I have been questioning and trying to come to terms with who I am and the choices I have made. I have been wondering what my place is in this world, and if I even have one. I have been lost, personally and professionally. And with regard to 2012, I am not as optimistic as I might like to be. I see SOPA and NDAA and the economy. I see my empty bed and my empty wallet. I see my grad school loans only overshadowed by my law school loans. I see an election year that is terrifying in its lack of viable candidates and a surplus of terrifying candidates. I see rage waxing and worry that my strength is waning.

But.

I have found strength in myself that I didn’t know I had. I have friends who are so phenomenal that it’s a little overwhelming. This blog has a nonzero number of readers (that nonzero? That’s you. You are not zero—not The Zeppo [that's Xander]. Mazel tov). I have things to work toward in 2012 that aren’t just about trying to find reasons to keep living. I’m still funny. My cat remains adorable.

So my resolutions for 2012 are:

  • To remember that I am loved by amazing people.
  • To come to terms with the decisions I have made to this point.
  • To consciously and carefully let go of as much of the baggage I’ve been lugging around with me as I can.
  • To stop carrying the world on my shoulders.
  • To practice guitar more often.
  • To try at least five Scotches I have never tried before.
  • To find a hottie or two to hang out with/hook up with.

What, you thought they would all be emotionally intense and interesting?

My biggest resolution, and one I hope to keep more than anything is this, though: I want to live. 2011 was about survival and subsistence—emotional, physical, and economical. It’s time to find ways to live. I wish that were as easy as it sounds, but it’s without a doubt worth working and fighting for. So I guess 2012 is going to be less about just trying to hang on, and more about climbing.

Happy new year, Gentle Reader. I hope your resolutions are wonderfully easy (or nonexistent). I hope 2011 has been amazing for you, and that 2012 will be even better. I hope there is no climb for you. I hope when you look around at the world in the new year, that it’s either a world you know you can live with, or a world you know you can change for the better (or both). I don’t yet know what the world has in store for me. I guess…let’s all hope for the best.

Raspberry Crack is something I make, that my friends named, and that appears to be fairly addictive. The look on Neil Gaiman’s face when he first tasted it will be something I hope to use to get some incredibly nerdy and hot girl into bed some day.

9 responses

  1. Now, you see, ‘climbing’ sounds like hard work to me.
    I prefer to think of it as ‘skipping’. The move from simply putting one foot in front of the other to finding a way and a reason to skip along, lightly. Much more fun. Unless you’re into climbing, of course :)

    Find skipping in 2012, and share the recipe!!

    December 31, 2011 at 1:45 am

    • Climbing is hard work, but I’ve got a lot to do before I get to skip. I am not much of a skipper, myself.

      December 31, 2011 at 10:06 am

  2. 1. I know how hard it can be to write about really personal shit. Even when I tell myself, “self, I am going to be one of those writers who opens up their souls,” there’s this little part of my brain going, “but I can’t say *that*! that’s *scary*!” This is brave and lovely, thank you.

    2. <3

    3. I really, really want to see Neil Gaiman's face upon eating raspberry crack. Then, I would like to eat raspberry crack.

    ~ v.

    December 31, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    • 1. Thank you. I almost didn’t publish it for those reasons.
      2. :)
      3. Seriously, one of the best experiences of my life. I usually only make raspberry crack once a year because it’s expensive and work-intensive, but this was totally worth it. I have gotten several marriage proposals out of it, too.

      January 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm

  3. Shambling sounds good to me. Shambling into 2012. Glad you want to live. That’s pretty monumental progress. 2011 was the year in which I came across those infectious dry tweets of yours, some of the greatest flow charts known to the management systems of man and the fact that hard-man-of-whisky-and-pants that you are, this small cat has you wrapped around her little paw. It has been an entertaining introduction.

    More progress this year: don’t forget the pyjamas revolution.

    January 1, 2012 at 5:34 am

    • Thank you, Kate. I am thrilled that we discovered each other’s blogs and tweets in 2011. I don’t know about shambling, though. It’s a little too zombietastic.

      January 1, 2012 at 1:11 pm

  4. Nicole

    2011 was the year I found myself. I had never been single (falling into one relationship after another), never lived completely alone (not counting the sentient but decidedly furrier roommates)…It was terrifying. Even more terrifying has been the discovery that I am mildly content being that way. I do miss the naughtier things, and my fridge is almost always overflowing because I can’t seem to scale recipes down, but there it is. I said it. I like living with me.

    And as I sit here after the first day of 2012, a day where I cleaned every nook and cranny and purged everything in my apartment that I had no reason to keep, and draining the end of a bottle of wine I kept insisting on saving for a special occasion, I will tell you that I have no idea what it holds for me.

    I think I miss the climb.

    I am glad you’ve put yourself back together. Hopefully, like the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion, you’ve discovered that there are things inside of you that are stronger than you thought. I hope you stick around a while…I’ve just begun to get to know you.

    January 1, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    • I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry. I haven’t done everything I am supposed to do in this life—even if I don’t know what that is, I know this to be true. I also am learning to tell the difference between not being able to withstand adversity and not wanting to have to withstand adversity (or at least wanting to take a damn break every once in a while).

      I wrote a number of posts on being single (which can be found under the cleverly named category, “Being Single.” But your comment reminds me specifically of this one: http://terminallysnarky.com/2011/04/13/being-single-limbo/. Sounds like in some ways we had a similar experience in 2011, at least in that respect.

      But most importantly—what kind of wine were you saving for a special occasion?

      January 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

  5. Nicole

    …That is very eerie. I’ll have to spend more time catching up on your posts before making my own, I guess.

    And it was a 1983 Homberg Riesling. Nothing out-of-the-ballpark nice, but I’m not much of a wine aficionado.

    January 3, 2012 at 5:48 pm

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