To the Guy Who Asked for Change and Offered to Make Me a Vampire (True Story)
Thanks for the offer to make me a vampire. It’s obviously a great honor to be chosen; I assume that out of all of the candidates in downtown Oakland at 3am, I was the closest.
When I said, “Let me think about it,” I meant it. I really did go home to think about it, and I’ve decided—yeah, like, okay. Sure. I could totally be a vampire. I mean, I’ve been human for a while and that doesn’t seem like the most winning option of the three I currently have (those being life, death, undeath). But before I let you sink the couple teeth you still have into my neck and let you drain my life (will that hurt or just be sexy vampire fun time—you know what? I can still smell you, so never mind about the sexy part), I just have a couple of questions and minor concerns.
First of all, what kind of vampire would I be? Are we talking Buffy vamps—I lose my soul, get all bumpy, get slain by some superpowered hottie? Or Charlaine Harris—I’m me, only with fangs and an insatiable thirst for melodrama and fucking everything that moves? Or a Stephenie Meyer vampire—who sparkles, stalks underage girls, and was created by somebody who can’t even spell her first name? Because, while I can make either of the first two work for me, if it’s the latter, I’m out. But you know, come to think of it, you don’t sparkle. I don’t think you even bathe. So I guess we are good on that count.
Second: As a vampire, do I automatically get awesome acrobatic and fighting skills? Or do I actually have to, like, train for them?
Third: Which asshole consulted on Underworld?
Okay, I guess I got off track with that one. Where was I—Oh, yes. Okay.
In some books, when people turn into vampires part of the process is that the body releases all of its fluids and fecal matter. So I should totally eat a light lunch the day I see you again, right?
Are all vampires mysteriously wealthy (in which case, I assume you were spare changing for fun)? Is there a bank I will be able to draw from, like a bloodsucker credit union (must be a vampire or somebody who likes vampires—but no fucking werewolves—to qualify)? Or do I build up a base of wealth by ripping off my victims? Do we at least have some pawn shop owners and fences in our ranks? Also, do we just leave exsanguinated bodies in various alleys or is there some kind of mechanism in place for that?
Will my cat hate me?
Can I still gain or lose weight, or am I stuck like this forever? What about tattoos? Hair? Fingernails? Are the fangs actually a whole new set of teeth that grow down, or do my existing teeth just extend?
Will I still be able to drink whiskey?
I really can’t accept your offer of eternal life and damnation without having these questions answered to my satisfaction, so I hope you can get back to me on these very soon.