Typically narcissistic blogging.

Being Single: Breaking Even

So, for the first time in a long time, I was really, really excited about a girl. Excited enough to blog about her and my inability to think straight when she was around, and when she wasn’t around, and so on. It was nice. And despite the poor choices she made in communicating her decision to no longer date me, I don’t regret going for it simply because it reminded me that I could be excited about somebody.

I don’t regret it despite the fact that she broke up with me via text message. I don’t regret it despite the fact that she felt the need to tell me [edited for spelling, punctuation]: “I recently met someone that I really like. Which doesn’t happen very often.” I don’t regret it despite the fact that this text message would appear to mean that, despite the efforts she went to to make me think otherwise, she never really liked me. So, also, I got played.

No, she was not my girlfriend, but still.

I regret the fact that those things happened. But I don’t regret pursuing her.

I haven’t exactly regained my lost faith in love and relationships, but I can conceive of pursuing a woman again, of opening myself to the possibility of love and relationship, and despite the vulnerability and bullshit that obviously come with it, that’s pretty damn cool.

And while I will miss having somebody to be excited about, my heart is no more broken than it was when I asked her out for drinks.

I think I just broke even.

Now, hopefully somebody will inform her: You can’t text message breakup.

16 responses

  1. Kudos to you. Being able to be excited about someone despite heartache is a good thing. I discovered this myself last year when I reacquainted myself with a guy who left my life but never my heart and is back again. So happy!

    March 19, 2012 at 3:25 am

    • Yeah, finding the excitement is nice. It’s finding the trust that I am going to have genuine difficulty with.

      March 19, 2012 at 11:31 am

  2. Ruthie J.

    Well, that’s a really good way to frame it. I had the same situation wrap up recently, and it’s a pain, but if the ultimate takeaway is worthwhile, it’s easier to deal with the repeated frustration. I found out about a new author and had some fun. But he ignores me between booty calls, and I can’t play third or fourth fiddle in some guy’s life.

    March 19, 2012 at 6:13 am

    • The problem is, we don’t know that the ultimate takeaway will actually be worthwhile.

      And there is no reason why you should play anything but first fiddle for a guy, because you are awesome.

      March 19, 2012 at 11:36 am

  3. Sarah

    Of course one of the many, many reasons not to break up via text message is that text messages are usually highly ambiguous and context-dependent — and that the person whose heart is being stomped on has every reason to think the harshest reading possible is the right one (not only because of the heart-stomping itself, but also because of the deeply dishonorable choice to use a text message to do it).

    That said, I’d guess that the “really” in this text was most likely a badly-chosen intensifier — so that “really like” was _supposed_ to mean approximately “super-intensely like” rather than “genuinely like” (and was more or less a stand-in because saying the “love” so early was too scary). (The “Which doesn’t happen often” then reads like her way of trying to say this was a Big Deal that came out of left field for her; i.e. a really bad way of trying _not_ to make you feel like you got played.) Anyway, I don’t think you need to conclude that she never genuinely liked you — which is prima facie implausible in any case.

    March 19, 2012 at 7:52 am

    • Perhaps, but it also implies that she knew she wasn’t that into me to begin with, because she’s rarely that into anybody. Which means that acting like she was into me was a bunch of bullshit to begin with.

      That, on top of being chickenshit with the text messaging, failing to actually notify me until a couple hours before we were supposed to have a date, and only because I wrote to ask if she still planned to show up?

      I have serious doubts about whether she actually liked me.

      March 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

  4. I have had people treat me like that. It sucks. You have my sympathies.

    I definitely agree with the no-regrets attitude, though; the biggest regret in my entire romantic history is the girl I fell for, hard, but lacked the courage to pursue. I have no idea how it would’ve turned out — maybe it would’ve all ended in tears — but it’s the not knowing that bothers me.

    March 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    • If I am going to regret these things, there is no point in trying to date at all. Dating is, after all, at least 97% miserable bullshit (in my experience, anyway). In theory the payoff is worth it, and if I regret it every time it doesn’t work out, that just makes it impossible.

      March 19, 2012 at 6:14 pm

  5. Jessica

    I was once, many years ago the younger girl to an older, sophisticated but unlike you – decidedly un-funny urbane man. My insecurities hi-jacked any opportunity to grow into a relationship and I certainly did not have the tools at my disposal to break up with him civilly, so I just stopped answering his calls. (‘Cause you know – avoidance) I suspect your girl has a few insecurities herself despite how mature she appears to be. So, honor the rich feelings you experienced, the joy and exhilaration that infatuation brings is what breathes life into the ordinary, and that in my opinion, is the take away. At the risk of sounding trite, maybe she is simply too young to really understand the complexities of meaningful relationships, her cowardice with the texting kind of exemplifies this no? Believe me you probably don’t want to weather what is sure to be a bunch of growth spurts with her anyway. So revel in the spark that the encounter generated because this set’s the bar for the next love interest. If you get that “feeling” it will be worth pursuing. (AND at the risk of calling you an idiot, (Idiot) I am sure she was into you.

    March 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    • Yeah, that pretty much has to be the takeaway. Otherwise, I walk from this with nothing, which would be a total bummer.

      As to whether she was into me…maybe after the last few years my cynicism has maxed out. It would be nice to think so…

      March 19, 2012 at 6:10 pm

  6. So: the door’s open to possibility, than…
    May the one you really like have perfect grammar and manners to match :-)

    March 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    • Mmmm. Yes, some day I will meet a woman whose understanding of language rivals or even surpasses mine. That will be a great day.

      March 24, 2012 at 9:38 am

  7. She sounds like a real winner. What a shame she’s gone now.

    Glad you dodged that bullet!

    March 23, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    • Seriously. People so rarely show their true colors that quickly. Imagine if she’d pulled that shit after six months, or a year.

      Bullet dodging: not fun, but still better than being hit.

      March 24, 2012 at 9:40 am

      • Thank god you not only picked a winner, but a winner smart enough to eff up early on.

        March 24, 2012 at 8:49 pm

        • It’s like an extremely tarnished silver lining.

          March 24, 2012 at 11:27 pm

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