Typically narcissistic blogging.

Solution: Magical Negro

Dear Hollywood,

I am at my wits’ end. I have been trying to find work for a couple years, now, and I cannot so much as get a response from the employers to whom I am applying. I am hitting rock bottom, financially. Additionally, my perspective on the world around me is increasingly negative and I am losing focus. In short, with the exception of my love life, which is suddenly amazing (although I fear misstep in that area, too), I feel like I am going about life entirely wrong, and that I need some guidance.

Hollywood, I am going to say it outright: I need you to send me a magical negro. A magical negro would fix everything. Nobody gives out life advice and guidance like a magical negro. Obviously, Sidney Poitier and Joe Seneca (see: Crossroads) are no longer available, but I would certainly love the services provided by Morgan Freeman or Whoopi Goldberg, and I would absolutely settle for Will Smith, because, you know: Bagger Vance. Djimon Hounsou is a real up-and-comer, too—and we all know he is extra magical because of his accent—so if he’s looking to expand his magical negro resume, I’m down to help.

Now, normally I’d ask for a fairy godmother. However, while she might fix everything with a wave of the wand, I don’t know how I will learn all the wonderful life lessons and find whatever I need to find in my soul without a journey by the side of a magical negro. Also, I have plateaued on my guitar playing lately, and I just don’t think anybody could help me with that like a magical negro, preferably one in a battered hat and clothes that were in style somewhere between 1860 and 1960. And Hollywood, you know as well as I do that the kind of wisdom magical negroes offer sounds better when they look and sound like they stepped directly off the plantation or out of some ramshackle blues club in Mississippi or Louisiana. That is, of course, unless he’s a displaced African tribesman (also totally acceptable but probably less helpful for guitar).

Admit it, Hollywood: you know this is the obvious and best solution to my problems.

Please get back to me with your plan and method of delivery (e.g. wall of mist, pretend janitorial staff, surprise trip to Africa or the Crusades).

Warmest Regards,

Whiskeypants

***

Dear Whiskeypants,

We only send magical negroes to white people. Negroes don’t need magical negroes because you are all inherently magical or criminals who either cannot benefit from advice or who need a helping hand from some upper middle class WASPs. We have faith that you will figure it out despite the handicap of also being part Native American, and therefore likely incredibly naïve and in desperate need of protection by white people, who will also play you in whatever movie we make of your life. Best of luck in your endeavors!

Sincerely,

Hollywood

***
Dear Stephen King…
.

12 responses

  1. Dear Whiskeypants stop regret to inform your magic negro is Whitney Houston stop because the greatest love of all is inside of you stop understand that masser/creed wrote song but that leads us down the dangerous path of dolly parton’s boobs being your magical negro end

    May 7, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    • How does it feel to win the internet? I have always wondered…

      May 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm

      • …It feels good, whiskeypants.
        It feels good.

        May 7, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    • rmharman

      (A) That was an awesome response to the above.

      (B) I really want to see what follows the “Dear Stephen King”. Because Green Mile was SO. FREAKING. TERRIBLE.

      (C) Have you seen Avengers yet? Nick Fury: Magical Negro, Angry Black Dude, or maybe something new and better? Discuss. (Personally, I thought he was kinda just barely hovering over beoming a lame stereotype, but he was drawn well enough that I can hope that they’ll get Joss, or somebody similarly thoughtful, to write a prequel backstory for him. The character has some serious potential, in any case. Unrelatedly, they also need a prequel about Black Widow and Hawkeye, because, man, the sexual tension between those two could snap the cables on the Golden Gate Bridge.)

      May 8, 2012 at 12:05 pm

      • Stephen King loves his magical negroes. Speedy Parker. Mother Abigail. Dick Halloran. That guy from The Green Mile…

        Yes, I loved The Avengers. I don’t think Nick Fury is a magical negro, I think he’s Angry Black Dude. He doesn’t have the mystical aura of wisdom and knowledge that is required of magical negroes.

        May 8, 2012 at 12:19 pm

        • Auros

          I dunno, I thought the bit of business with the trading cards / manipulating the team into coming together, suggested a bit of magical-ness.

          In any case, I’d really loved to see Samuel L. Jackson given a chance to anchor a film, working with a screenwriter who actually can give the character some thought, rather than just making him a standard-issue badass. (I enjoyed Snakes on a Plane, but it’s pure fluff. I’m really appreciating that the Marvel movie universe, for all that it’s ridiculous and silly, actually conveys some complexity, and lets responsibility really weigh on its heroes — that was what made their comics worthwhile, too, and what differentiated them from DC’s tradition of overpowered heroes like Superman and Green Lantern… Note: It’s possible that I am a nerd.)

          May 8, 2012 at 12:27 pm

          • Basic manipulation does not a magical negro make.

            May 8, 2012 at 12:30 pm

  2. Be very careful what you wish for. http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ls0s1qOYRE1qhughh.jpg

    May 8, 2012 at 9:10 am

  3. Rachel

    I can’t believe you left out Michael Clarke Duncan, the most magical negro of them all.

    May 9, 2012 at 2:54 am

    • I know, it was a terrible, terrible oversight.

      May 9, 2012 at 10:38 am

  4. Pingback: Doctor Who Am I Kidding? « The Adventures of the Terminally Snarky

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