Typically narcissistic blogging.

Diagrams and Charts

!

I was reading this letter, which is full of very emphatic and violent hate for a neighborhood kid with autism, and I was simultaneously nauseated by what this awful, cowardly woman said and assumed and the sheer number of exclamation points she used to emphasize the hate she was spewing.

I could do one of my usual rants about the shittiness of this woman’s attitude and method of handling the situation, but I think the kid’s mother handled it just fine. So to the next point: I don’t know about you guys, but this is pretty much how my brain filters the use of exclamation points:

Click for Enlargination:

exclamation

*Soft drink is made with the venom of the Peruvian Flying Pike.


Let The Motherfucker Burn

With sincere thanks to my awesome friend SushiSpook for the inspiration:

The Roof


Catsitting: A Timeline of Sorts

This is the general progression for any time I catsit for longer than a few days.
For the record, I did not actually find any cat journals. All cat journal entries are 57% fictional.

Click image if you think WordPress compression sucks.


Hierarchy of Breakup Methods

A handy reference for people who date other people.

 


I. Have. A. Problem.

(But not donut holes. Seriously, fuck those. They aren’t holes. The hole is what is left in the donut. They are donut balls. And that’s all I’m going to discuss about balls and holes today, or at least before lunch.)


Blog Composition

My dear friend Sasha pointed out that my blog composition has settled into a sort of triangle of topics. And I’m cool with that. It’s just not the topics I thought they would be. Witness:

Once again, the cats have won the internet. Resistance was futile. We’ve all been assimilated. And with that in mind, prepare yourselves for the most recent conversation with Otto, a guest blog from the abovementioned Sasha.


I’m Sorry, Puppies

As girl quickly traverses the spectrum from Young to Asshole, this week just keeps getting better.

Click image to make readable.
You won’t regret it.

“Better.” (11-second vid, has audio—in case you are reading this at work/school.)
Stupid compression.
Well. Maybe.


WAAAAAAAAAMBULANCE

CLICK IMAGE TO DECOMPRESS


Taking Compliments: A Flowchart

For the record, I know how this flowchart ought to look.

Click Image. Then click it again. Just because you love to click.
You love to click so much.


Under 21? Enjoy Your Soda Pop.

This is for the hordes of underage would-be drinkers who seem to think that:

  • They have the best, most winning argument for why I should let them into the bar;
  • They are the most trustworthy underage drinkers I will ever meet;
  • I am just blindly following an unfair law;
  • I’m just being an unsympathetic hardass who doesn’t want them to have a good time. 
Click image if you find the crazy WordPress compression blurring to be annoying as shit:

 


Third Party Voting

Right now, liberally-minded people are in a bit of a bind, because we are stuck between a weak and a crazy place. Seems to me, the political picture looks a bit like this:

I ripped this off of a church web site, I hope God doesn't sue.Step on a crack, break the Constitution’s back

Part of the issue, of course, is that right now the two primary parties in this country have largely forgotten themselves—who they are and why they even exist. They’ve become lost in the mire that is politics, and right now the viable candidates for both have failed to impress. The Republicans are stronger, because they have no problem breaking the rules and salting the earth to get what they want out of political negotiations, and the Democrats are less terrifying, but seem to accomplish virtually nothing in comparison. Also, right now the candidates for the parties fall somewhere on these respective spectra:

(Click on them if the blurring is as irritating to you as it is to me) 

Wondering where “Douchey” is? It’s the entire line.

.

Sorry, I don’t have a little Obama figure for you to put somewhere on the line.

So, what to do? 

I’ve seen three solutions to the problem:

1. Vote for Obama anyway.
2. Vote for Ron Paul. 
3. Vote some other third party and stick it to the 2-party system.

If I leave the first option alone, since I already discussed Obama here, and pretend that people aren’t seriously considering the racist, homophobic, anti-EPA, pro-religion in schools, anti-separation of church and state wingnut that is Ron Paul (discussed beautifully and thoroughly, with sources, here), I still have to consider the third.

If a third party were to come up with a strong candidate—one with actual political experience, one who knows how the system works and can be strong within it, and one with enough charisma to carry a country, now would be the time. This country is filled with people who are disgruntled, angry, depressed, and disappointed. If ever there were a time to vote outside the two-party system, it’s now.

But here is why I don’t buy the third party argument, and I am plagiarizingexpanding on a reply I gave to thoughtful commenter Dana:

Let’s pretend we have a viable third-party candidate (we don’t). I still seriously doubt the option, because everybody who is disgruntled with the current situation would have to do it. The only way to make that statement is to get everybody (or at least a majority) to sign onto it and proudly and publicly so that other people won’t worry about being castigated or ridiculed for throwing votes away. Unless they vote for Nader, because, duh.

Every time somebody brings up a third party option, it’s like we are daring each other to break the mold, but ultimately we all know that not enough people will take up the dare and go with it, and that if not enough people take the dare, everybody will get hurt.

I would love for my country to prove me wrong on this, but my pessimism is getting the better of me.

So, people who insist that voting for a third party is the answer to all of our problems: How about finding a viable third-party candidate who is strong enough to make people consider voting outside of the two party system, and if you think you have such a candidate, do you know a feasible solution to getting enough people to vote for them without simply handing the election to a party that appears to be actively trying to destroy our country?

.
.
By “feasible” I mean, “will actually work.”

ETA: There’s no good answer for the 2012 elections forthcoming, so I am putting forth my own third-party candidate:

Note: Beyonce + “Knock Knock, Motherfucker” belong to The Bloggess (if you haven’t read the relevant blog post, because you live under a rock in a barn in a cave in TibeChinAfrica, it’s here). The godawful Photoshop job is all me. Yeah, baby.


A Helpful Diagram For Congress

Vegetables. Pizza.

Clicking on the image will make it less blurry,
and give you a deep sense of personal satisfaction:1

In other news, if I ever have kids, they are totally getting a bag lunch, or at least a carrot or something.

1 I lied about the deep sense of personal satisfaction.


Semicircles of Hell

Click Image To Make Readable:

(Thanks to Nate for title and the reminder about Berkeley Bowl West. Nate is awesome. Go read his blog.)


“Whore” (A Flowchart Request)

So, I took a request for a flowchart. This is the result. And, no: this flowchart was not a man’s idea.
Apparently I’m taking requests, now? Maybe?

Click Image for EnWhorelargificationary Effect:


Homo-/Biphobic BINGO

In honor of National Coming Out Day, and all of the individuals coming out today (and who have already come out, and who aren’t quite ready to come out)—I sincerely hope you lose this game of BINGO:

Click Image For MoBiggification:


Fallibility

The past year has looked like this:

Nice! Simple, uncomplicated, not in the least bit stressful. But that never lasts, does it?
However, lately things are looking like this:

Damn it.


Morning Mission BINGO

San Francisco’s scenic Mission District in the morning: BINGO!

Click image for embiggification:


Bitches Love Flowcharts

Riana, in answer to my surprise at the popularity of The Sookie Stackhouse Decision Tree:


The Sookie Stackhouse Decision Tree

Click to biggify:


2+2= 5 Gajillion!

Proven conclusively as of approximately 3:45am:


Priorities…?


Truths


My Downfall


PSA: Tipping

 


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 952 other followers