Uh uh, Right Foot. No. No fucking way do you get to fall asleep while I have to work. I got up at 6:30 this morning so I could take care of business, and that business does not end until 5:00 PM at the absolute earliest. You know that that means? No naps. No naps for me. No naps for my hands. No naps for my goddamn feet. You are one of those feet, Right Foot.
Speaking of which, you don’t see Left Foot falling asleep, do you? Left Foot is on the job. Left Foot is happy to support me in my walks across the office and to the corner store for provisions. You won’t catch Left Foot snoring. Why can’t you be more like Left Foot, Right Foot?
It’s a Monday, Right Foot. That means I really need us all to be working as a team. I understand that you are undercaffeinated, but guess what? We are all undercaffeinated. We all have gone without coffee for over a week. We all are trying to make do with tea and the sleep we are able to sneak in before the girlfriend starts snoring and after I manage to find my earplugs in the dark.
I need to work and I need to walk and I need your help to do it. So, wake the fuck up, Right Foot. Wake up and get through this day with the rest of us. I promise you, it hurts me as much as it hurts you.
Let’s work together on this, Right Foot. I really don’t want to have to outsource your job.
Those of you who have been paying attention know that I currently have a day job. And those of you who have seen me recently know that my back seized up this weekend, leaving me more or less incapacitated and in a great deal of pain. But none of you know how this played out during my medicated, underslept, insufficiently caffeinated, post-injury Monday back at work.
Note: all italics are what’s going on in my head, all non-italics are spoken out loud.
Manager: Okay, this is your introduction to evaluating stock option plans and…
M: …amendments to stock option plans.
WP: What? Whaaaaaat?
M: So the first thing blah blah blah file and access the blah blah blah via the blah yadda yadda. Every time you do this you need to use this spreadsheet.
WP: Rice crackers! No. Stock options. What?
M: Now that we’ve highlighted the relevant sections of the PDF…
WP: What? Wait, when did that happen? Shit, I was just asleep.
M: We take the information from burble slurp monkey yadda and enter it into these fields. You absolutely cannot waaah waaah waah or it will not alpaca llama properly. How’s everybody doing?
M: Okay, moving on.
Coworker: Do you know what he’s talking about?
M: So I want you all to pay special attention to this, because it will make this task much easier in the end.
WP: Open your eyes, Whiskeypants. Open them. OPEN. OW. What the hell is that? Sun? Also, when did we do that? What document does he even have open? Fuck, I fell asleep again.
M: utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum inuadant!
WP, to coworker: Did he just say what I think he did?
Coworker: Yeah, we should bookmark it just like we bookmark the EOD proposals. Why?
WP: I…uh…it seemed different, is all. AGH! Somebody set my back on fire! I’m out of rice crackers! …Is it 5 yet?
M: Okay, now for the write-up.
Coworker: No. It’s not 5 yet. It may never be 5 again.
It was 11am.