Those of you who have been paying attention know that I currently have a day job. And those of you who have seen me recently know that my back seized up this weekend, leaving me more or less incapacitated and in a great deal of pain. But none of you know how this played out during my medicated, underslept, insufficiently caffeinated, post-injury Monday back at work.
Note: all italics are what’s going on in my head, all non-italics are spoken out loud.
Manager: Okay, this is your introduction to evaluating stock option plans and…
M: …amendments to stock option plans.
WP: What? Whaaaaaat?
M: So the first thing blah blah blah file and access the blah blah blah via the blah yadda yadda. Every time you do this you need to use this spreadsheet.
WP: Rice crackers! No. Stock options. What?
M: Now that we’ve highlighted the relevant sections of the PDF…
WP: What? Wait, when did that happen? Shit, I was just asleep.
M: We take the information from burble slurp monkey yadda and enter it into these fields. You absolutely cannot waaah waaah waah or it will not alpaca llama properly. How’s everybody doing?
M: Okay, moving on.
Coworker: Do you know what he’s talking about?
M: So I want you all to pay special attention to this, because it will make this task much easier in the end.
WP: Open your eyes, Whiskeypants. Open them. OPEN. OW. What the hell is that? Sun? Also, when did we do that? What document does he even have open? Fuck, I fell asleep again.
M: utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum inuadant!
WP, to coworker: Did he just say what I think he did?
Coworker: Yeah, we should bookmark it just like we bookmark the EOD proposals. Why?
WP: I…uh…it seemed different, is all. AGH! Somebody set my back on fire! I’m out of rice crackers! …Is it 5 yet?
M: Okay, now for the write-up.
Coworker: No. It’s not 5 yet. It may never be 5 again.
It was 11am.