Typically narcissistic blogging.

Posts tagged “nerds

Underpants Hack

 

Guys, remember The Misadventures of Ed and Bob? And The Misadventures of Bob? Well, C and I don’t stop at goats, you guys. GOATS ARE JUST THE BEGINNING.

No. No, you don’t get to see the rest of the conversation. Use your imagination. It’ll fall short.

 


Doctor Who Am I Kidding?

Like every complete nerd, I watch Doctor Who. Like many American nerds, I first experienced DW when Tom Baker (that would be the Fourth Doctor, for those of you playing at home with an incomplete deck of cards) and his scarf, which ought to have gotten its own billing, were fighting Cybermen, Hornet infestations, and the Master. I was a kid, and I thought that it was pretty much the best thing I had ever seen. And I think I wished for a K-9 of my own at least once a day for a year. My mom eventually got me a dog, but the little fucker didn’t have even the slightest of British accents. Lame.

Clearly, I am not alone in this.

And like every fan of the Doctor, I wish that fantastic crazy bastard would show up, yank me into the TARDIS, and proceed to put my life and sanity in nigh perpetual danger of being lost or permanently damaged. Well, I mean, if Hollywood won’t send me a magical negro, I might as well be abducted in a space police phone box that’s bigger on the inside by a crazy 900-something-year-old nerdy and vaguely sociopathic white alien guy. Right? I mean, I’m too old for Hogwarts, and Narnia is just impossible to find without a magic wardrobe and it’s run by a judgey undead Jesus lion, anyway.

And while I’m pretending that such a thing might happen, I like to imagine how this might go. Some scenarios I have come up with:

I.
What I imagine happening:
Cybermen attack the club while I am working. The Doctor appears and I help him defeat the incursion. I’m so fucking awesome, he invites me along for more battles against the Cybermen. I go, but I take a bunch of floor towels with me in case of spills. And a bottle of Jameson. Together, we fight future interstellar crime.

What would actually happen:
I am Whiskeypants point two. DELETE.

II.
What I imagine happening:
Running from the Daleks, the Doctor shows up at my door and asks for a place to hide. I bring him and my cat down to the basement, where my cat proceeds to meow loudly, giving away our position. We make a dash through the back door to the TARDIS, where the Doctor and I proceed to argue about whether we can stop for a litter box. When we finally stop for one, it’s on a planet where the litter boxes are sentient. Hijinks ensue.

What would actually happen:
The Doctor appears at my door. I squee and faint. He sighs, apologizes, steps over me, grabs my cat, and finds the basement without me. I am exterrrrrrminated. My cat and the Doctor proceed to the TARDIS. 

III.
What I imagine happening
I blink.

Seriously, how many of you wouldn’t blink? Fuck that. You know you would all fucking blink. Don’t even tell me you wouldn’t. Fucking blinkers, the lot of you.

Oops.


[Guest Post] Not Every Woman Gets Empowered: A Response To “In Defense of Slave Leia”

Here’s the blog entry that started this brain a’churnin. Check it out, I’ll go get a beer.

“In Defense of Slave Leia” 

So.

It is cool to think that even a fraction of Slave Leias out there are striving for more than cheesecake photo ops and geek-gawk-points, even if the majority are probably sans that nobly-intended kickassery. I dig that at least some of those women think more than just “Look at me, look at me, LOOK AT MEEEE!”

However, even if some of them are going for “fierce bikini warrior” rather than “desirable chattel”, they have a responsibility for the whole message they send with that costume, not just the part they like. Along with the “Grrr, don’t mess with me or I’ll choke your blubbery ass” is “I am a lap dog.” Along with “I am a sexy object, covet me” is “the smaller my outfit, the better I look, the more I am worth.”

The reason the Slave Leia outfit is not merely a skimpy costume (according to this blog) is because while she is dressed like a compliant pleasure-slave, she’ll actually fuck you up. Don’t judge by what you see. But inherent in that statement is that what you see is a degrading costume.

I mean, c’mon. They didn’t throw her in jail like they did her male counterparts, she was dressed in a bikini and a leashed collar while Chewie and Han were in the clink. She was forced to sit there, humiliated, in that giant, pudding-y lap as decoration while a giant turd-shaped alien yanked her around by the neck and stuck his slimy, slimy tongue out at her. Dang, son. That shit is embarrassing.

OMG he’s touching me AGAIN.

Now, ultimately Leia did kick major ass. She was there on a daring attempt to rescue her boyfriend in the first place. She killed that bastard Jabba with the very leash he put around her neck. Go, girl. But her triumph wouldn’t have been as epic if she hadn’t done it from such a place of obvious subjugation, which is what the outfit symbolizes. You don’t get to cherry-pick the “I’m a badass” out of it and leave the rest.

Also, despite Leia’s many heroic actions during the trilogy, we just don’t see the brave and imperious white-gowned (fully-clothed) leader of the Rebel Alliance at cons very often.  Or the fearless soldier in the camouflage poncho screaming through the woods at breakneck speed, intent on fucking some storm-trooper shit up.  No, nearly all of the Leia incarnations we see have chosen to dress like an objectified slave.

Fuck with me, I dare you.

The second part of this has to do with that choice. The choice to don skimpy bikini wear instead of countless other amazingly hot nerdy women’s costumes in the first place. It’s a choice that size privilege affords to some, and one that slaps an automatic penalty on those not wearing Nerdtoria’s Secret or those who try less successfully. (I’m not on a slut-shaming rant here, btw, bear with me.)

Truthfully, I wouldn’t wear SL in any case (not a fan of the outfit, donchaknow), but even if I wanted to, I am a fat girl and don’t have that choice. I would never be seen the same way as a “normal” woman in SL. I would be the Fantasia hippo version of a ballerina, pictures of me would end up on lol-loser websites, I would become another cautionary tale for all the ladies out there who aren’t the correct size to play dress-up.

I’m not complaining about my size, mind you. Or anyone else’s. I’m pissed about the structure in which SL has become the standard, and I am naturally sub-par because I refuse to bare my midriff to the unavoidable mockery and shaming that would result.

Waite says:

“When geek culture says, Don’t be Slave Leia, what I hear is: Don’t unsettle us. Don’t make us think about the consequences of our misogyny, or our entitlement, or our privilege. Don’t remind us that female sexuality can be a power as well as a commodity.”

And:

“I find it troubling when there’s a whole category of women that we are Officially Allowed to Mock and/or Hate. Because that line is a really arbitrary thing, and it’s really easy to imagine that, some day, I’ll end up on the wrong side of it.”

Would at least one of you think about choking that corpulent bastard?

Fighting  back against misogyny: hell yes. Doing it by wearing identical slave girl outfits? C’mon. There’s plenty of ways to claim the “power” without the “commodity”. As a fat, nerdy- type woman, I am plenty aware of privilege and entitlement, and who has it. I am already in a “category of women that we are Officially Allowed to Mock and/or Hate.” Perhaps a little more effort to smudge and remove those arbitrary lines, and a little less jostling competition to be on the right side of them would help.

Beyond SL outfit in specific, there’s this whole Booth Babe/Cylon Funtime Barbie/Nearly-Naked (insert any recognizable geek- icon here) thing going on too. It’s about the teeny-tiny-con-bikini, so standard now that women not wearing one might as well be invisible. It’s about how those of us who aren’t the appropriate shape might as well just stay home because we don’t count. At this point, most cons should just be called “wizard-boob-a-palooza, no fat chicks.”

Nerds, banded together through common interests and a mutual understanding of how cruel the non-nerd world can be, are surprisingly closed down to us who score fewer points on the Slave Leia Value Scale™.  That scale seems to rank based on how closely we resemble Boris Vallejo paintings, which is funny considering how few of them bear any passing resemblance. But I digress.

‘Sup, ladies?

I’m not saying no one should ever wear the ole purple and gold; at this point it’s as classic as plastic pointy ears. The Bikini and Leash has stopped looking like a costume, and started looking like a cheerleader uniform. But fuck it, it’s Sci-fi, it’s Fantasy, it’s a party, it makes you feel sexy and fierce, so be it. Let your freak flag fly. All gazillion of you.

Just please, be aware that wearing it sends multiple messages, and they are not all as awesome as If you fuck with me, I will end you.” You are also perpetuating some pretty harsh “isms” along the way. If you feel good, then strut your stuff. Wear it proudly, just know everything you’ve got on.

Tanya Regan is not actually a blogger, but she does paint neat things on occasion.
Gallery:  www.tanyaregan.com  Shop:  http://www.etsy.com/shop/Tanyaregan

[Whiskeypants note: I posted "In Defense of Slave Leia" to my wall on Facebook, and Tanya responded with a comment that I was not above begging her to turn into a blog post. Fortunately she didn't make me actually beg for it. That never looks good on Facebook.]


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