I seem to have been focusing on the whole joblessness thing here, so maybe this is off topic.
But when I got off the train today the first person I ran into (that I knew) was my ex.
Now, I don’t know about you, but regardless of how I feel about an ex, there is a certain amount of cognitive dissonance in just walking past somebody when that somebody was, until recently, a somebody I used to walk to, wrap my arms around, and kiss.
Was that an unnecessarily long sentence or is it just me?
It’s odd to just walk past somebody when you know how her body fits into yours, how her hair feels between your fingers, and how her lips feel against yours. It’s odd to walk past her with a wry smile and not stop, and not say hi, and not touch her.
And in that moment, it almost doesn’t matter how it ended. And it almost doesn’t matter that she was abusive, and that she blamed you for your reactions to that abuse, and that she even went so far as to fictionalize your past in order to relieve herself of accountability. In that moment, all you know is that you know what it would be like to walk up to her and greet her with the love you felt until recently…
And then you find yourself a block away, and heading toward friends and pint-sized drinks and feeling your body tense up as reality pushes the past away, smacks you on the ass, and tells you it wants cream and sugar in its coffee.