Dear Club Patrons
I have one question and some observations for you.
Were you raised by angry mangy starving rabid wolves with mullets?
If you were, please stay at home from now on until you learn some manners. If you were not, then I am sure the rest of this post will be old news to you.
1. When you walk into a club, do not assume that the staff is in any way less intelligent, less well-read, or less educated than you are. What we are able and/or willing to do with our intelligence and education is our business. Assume instead that we are intelligent people who recognize and note when we are being condescended to by you.
2. In that vein, show some respect to the people around you. The bartender is not some drinkmixing robot. The coat check person is not just a trained monkey. The floor staff and barbacks are not just there to inconvenience you. When we say ‘excuse me’ or tap you on the shoulder, move. Don’t look at us like we insulted your shoes. Everybody who is working around you is working to make your experience better and safer. Try to remember, these are other human beings with whom you are dealing.
3. TIP. That tip jar ain’t just there for show, kids. That extra buck for the bartender, coat check, kitchen staff–ain’t gonna kill you. Show some appreciation for the service, security, and tasty food and drinks being provided to you. I find that people who have never been in some part of the service industry tend not to realize the difference that tips can make and how much we rely on them. I was always a good tipper. Then I became a bartender. Now I tip double what I used to.
4. Know thyself. Do you really want to be that asshole getting carried out of the bathroom and through the crowd covered in your own vomit? Do you really want to be that person starting fights with the security staff and being an embarrassment to yourself and/or your friends (if you still have any by the end of the night)? If the answer to either or both is yes, please stay at home. It’s fun to go out and get tipsy. It stops being fun when you have not only poisoned yourself, you have poisoned the experience for those around you. Pace yourself and take note of your condition. It will make the drunk that much more fun, believe it or not.
5. Trash cans: use them. For real, people. And not just to throw up into when you’ve had too much to drink. Or pee in when you are too drunk to find the bathroom.
6. If the music goes off and the lights come on and you are one of the 20 or so people who insist on clapping and dancing like it’s the end of Strictly Ballroom while we try to close the club and go home–please die in a fire.