Typically narcissistic blogging.

Let’s Be Honest, Folks

I was told early on that I was “fat.” I was also told early on that “fat” was not okay, not nice to look at, not nice to touch. That is to say, I have been trained since childhood to believe I am unattractive. I have never been one of the thin, (supposedly) attractive people who could dress in form-fitting clothes and grab the attention of the people in the room just walking into it.

I have never been one of those people who could diet and work out a little and lose the extra weight. I work out a minimum of 4 days a week unless I am ill, and I keep a relatively healthy diet. But despite the extraordinary amount of muscle I carry around, people tend to judge me based on the surface—that extra jiggle in my wiggle, to be precise.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, I have recently realized something. I tend to date really extraordinarily beautiful women. I mean, every once in a while I change it up and go for something extra crazy instead of extra hot, but that’s another story entirely. Ahem. Right.

But every time I find some gorgeous, brilliant, interesting woman who expresses interest in me, I have the same thought running around and through my mind: WTF does she want with me?

I mean, let’s look at this situation, here. I am 34, not gainfully employed, overweight, missing a visible tooth (oh yeah—like the meth head look? Never mind that it’s because of some bad dentistry), and I am still carrying around matching luggage from some previous relationships.

Whiskeypants, you may be saying, clearly these women are interested in you for your personality. Maybe that intelligence of yours makes you sexy. Maybe blah blah blah blah.

Fuck that. You find anybody who doesn’t, deep inside, want to be told that they are handsome, pretty, beautiful, stunning. Ultimately, gentle reader, I don’t want to be wanted for my personality—at least, not only my personality. Of course it’s wonderful when people can see past physical flaws (or not see them at all, or recognize that they aren’t actually flaws, goddamn it) because they see who a person is. Of course it’s fucking brilliant when that happens.

But let’s face it: I want to be wanted because somebody has looked at me and found me fucking hot. And I am sorry, but anybody who says differently is lying to you and possibly themselves. We say looks don’t matter, but that’s because we don’t want them to. Not because reality bears this out in any way, shape, or form (whose form? my form?).

I can’t tell you the number of times I have been out with some gorgeous woman and had somebody come up and buy her a drink right in front of me. I won’t lie—to be discounted and ignored like that stings like a motherfucker. No matter how satisfying it is to know she’s going home with me and not that presumptuous individual. I have had it hammered into me repeatedly: I am no looker.

So when some woman, who could clearly have anybody, shows interest in me, it sends me into a tailspin of “why?!” and “WTF?” and “really?” And then I set myself the task of talking myself out of that woman until I have more or less convinced myself that she could never be serious about me (either in a physical or emotional sense) in a million years.

I forget a lot of relevant facts at this point—all to do, of course, with my personality. Facts like:

  • I am ridiculously smart.
  • I am funny.
  • I am kind.
  • I am generous.
  • I really really really treat the women I date really really really well.
  • I have yet to have any complaints in the bed dept.
  • I am trustworthy.
  • I know how to communicate.

Somehow, though, none of that measures up to the fact that I grew up with the understanding that I was never all that attractive and that I couldn’t rely on my looks to get me anywhere. I don’t know how to get over that. I know there’s tons of rotund-positive stuff out there, but ultimately it doesn’t do anything to penetrate 34 years of programming and programming reinforcement.

So what’s the point of all this beside some whining about being liked for my admittedly rad personality? Good question. I’m not fishing for compliments. In fact, I’d prefer not to have a bunch of well-meaning friends decide to shower me with them just to make me feel better. So save it.

What I want all of you to do instead is to bring those compliments out for the people immediately around you—your children, your friends, your partners, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, that person you just started dating (because if anybody is at their most insecure…). Tell them they are beautiful, that you love their eyes, their hands, their dimples, their smiles. Say, “My gawd I find you amazingly hot.” Tell them this in person, if you can. If you can’t, tell them over the phone: “Damn, I miss that fine ass of yours.”

Because everybody needs to hear it, regardless of what they say or even think. It will put a spring in anybody’s step to hear that they are beautiful, or that they have stunning hair, or that their smile moves you in some way. This doesn’t require that you buy into traditional ideas of beauty (what tradition, anyway? Japanese? African? America in 1920 or 1980 or now?). Just that you find the beauty in the people around you and—just as importantly—that you tell them about it.

Now go forth and compliment.

11 responses

  1. Radness.

    I date a painfully gorgeous man. I have had to fight off other women tooth and god damn nail. I have had friends and enemies alike approach me and tell me how RIDICULOUSLY GORGEOUS AND SEXY my man is.

    One day, a close friend of this grossly attractive human said, “I don’t get the draw. His eyes are beady, his nose is too big, his forehead is HUGE….” on and on. Frankly, decades ago, when I first laid eyes on him, I thought his hair was too kinky, his eyes were too small, his posture was creepy…..But as I got older, his sex appeal started oozing…

    The bottom line is how you carry yourself, style, and ultimately, the impression you give. My man exudes sex, while looking like Corey Feldman. Some don’t get it. Some can’t get enough of it. (I’ll cut you bitches.) Weight, height, features…..it’s truly about preferences and carriage. Typically hot people rarely have to develop carriage, and it bites them in the ass in the end. If you take a sexy poll, it’s not the pretties that come out on top. It’s the personalities, the strong features, and the unique. We are all attractive to someone, we just hae to find our audience.

    February 13, 2011 at 12:11 am

    • You are absolutely correct. It’s just difficult to overwrite all of the programming in order to truly believe that somebody might find what I am attractive.
      It’s something I get on an intellectual level. But what is emotionally true is entirely different.

      February 13, 2011 at 12:22 am

  2. Rosa

    Whiskeypants, you can’t have any idea what another person finds attractive, unless you know their entire history. And even then they may have a secret little well-nurtured erotic daydream they’ve never told anyone.

    Like me, I have a piece of my past that involved a person with a missing front tooth and a LOT of orgasms. So I think missing teeth are hot, in a way that leaves me grinning like a goon at gaptoothed girls I run into.

    February 13, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    • Ah, yes, but you are missing the perspective here: I am discussing what is going on in my head, not in anybody else’s. I obviously cannot read minds. I can only work with generality, with what I have been told all my life, and with the reactions that people have had to me to this point.

      February 13, 2011 at 5:54 pm

  3. Alpha Heather

    The fat positive websites didn’t do anything for me, at first. And not all of them are interesting to read. But I was determined to re-program myself, and I kept reading, and slowly I began to see not only myself but others differently. I set up my google reader to pull only from fat positive websites, so I get a good dose of it every day. And it’s working. I feel better about myself, more comfortable in my skin. I find I even move differently when I am alone, because the fat doesn’t bug me like it did before. I think one can undo decades of emotional damage.

    I know you weren’t looking for advice, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt at least to look at some fat positive fashion tumblrs on a regular basis, (there are sites for men and women.) I guess it’s a way of normalizing fat, which is hard to do but can go a long way.

    February 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm

  4. I don’t think you’re fat. I’ve seen fat and darling you are not it.

    Also, I know you aren’t looking for compliments and I am not sure how much of a compliment it is coming from me (because it is only me. But the other day when I brought you that gift, I could’ve totally ripped your clothes off and fucked you. 🙂

    February 16, 2011 at 2:29 pm

  5. Oops I forgot the other ).

    February 16, 2011 at 2:30 pm

  6. Pingback: PSA: How to Ride BART « The Adventures of the Terminally Snarky

  7. Bubumadrid

    You entertain me and I like you. Everything I have read so far is a hoot and a hollar. cheer’s and keep up the snarkitude! ^_^

    March 6, 2011 at 2:12 am

    • Yay! Thanks for reading and you have totally made my day for enjoying it.
      I will keep up the snark because I can’t help it. I hope you keep reading. Cheers! — WP

      March 6, 2011 at 2:55 am

  8. Men might be surprised how insecure many stunningly, drop-dead women often can be. Much like the opposite affect being told one is fat, stupid or ugly, when told from the cradle that one is ‘beautiful’ – and that becomes one’s “value” as a human being – any perceived flaw becomes magnified…thus one is devalued. (Does this make sense?) Much of attractiveness is about confidence. Fugly people with confidence are more attractive than insecure gorgeous people – male or female. A beautiful woman of quality (intelligence, wit, artistry, confidence) can grow weary of superficiality of equally handsome men, who often have an overblown opinion of themselves (ho-hum). They might make pretty babies (if offspring are desired), but never develop their skills beyond manipulatory, based on their perceived image. Men often don’t know what is “attractive” to women because of how many dull, self-absorbed “handsome” men have bored her to tears and you come along and perk up her intellect. (She might be more than she appears on the surface…)
    I am not an expert by any means…just some observations over the years. Personally, I would rather have a fun, honest, talented, intellectually challenging, curious, expressive physically flawed mate than a drop-dead gorgeous, shallow, superficial person with a high opinion of himself.
    (my website is a-n-c-i-e-n-t, so if you visit, that is not what I want to present.) You would be better off friending me on Facebook. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=559137943
    P.S. I love your musings. Keep them up!

    October 21, 2011 at 6:35 pm

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