Typically narcissistic blogging.

An Atypical Day at Work

Those of you who have been paying attention know that I currently have a day job. And those of you who have seen me recently know that my back seized up this weekend, leaving me more or less incapacitated and in a great deal of pain. But none of you know how this played out during my medicated, underslept, insufficiently caffeinated, post-injury Monday back at work.

Note: all italics are what’s going on in my head, all non-italics are spoken out loud.


Manager: Okay, this is your introduction to evaluating stock option plans and…

Whiskeypants: What?

M: …amendments to stock option plans.

WP: What? Whaaaaaat?

M: So the first thing blah blah blah file and access the blah blah blah via the blah yadda yadda. Every time you do this you need to use this spreadsheet.

WP: Rice crackers! No. Stock options. What?

M: Now that we’ve highlighted the relevant sections of the PDF…

WP: What? Wait, when did that happen? Shit, I was just asleep.

M: We take the information from burble slurp monkey yadda and enter it into these fields. You absolutely cannot waaah waaah waah or it will not alpaca llama properly. How’s everybody doing?

WP: Urgh.

M: Okay, moving on.

Coworker: Do you know what he’s talking about?

WP: Nope!

M: So I want you all to pay special attention to this, because it will make this task much easier in the end.

WP: Open your eyes, Whiskeypants. Open them. OPEN. OW. What the hell is that? Sun? Also, when did we do that? What document does he even have open? Fuck, I fell asleep again.

M: utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum inuadant!

WP, to coworker: Did he just say what I think he did?

Coworker: Yeah, we should bookmark it just like we bookmark the EOD proposals. Why?

WP: I…uh…it seemed different, is all. AGH! Somebody set my back on fire! I’m out of  rice crackers! …Is it 5 yet?

M: Okay, now for the write-up.

Coworker: No. It’s not 5 yet. It may never be 5 again.

It was 11am.

3 responses

  1. Johann

    What! No vicuña?! Lousy stock option plan you got there.

    March 1, 2011 at 6:22 pm

  2. Lisa

    Hilarious. My Latin is rusty. Is there something about barbarians invading your personal space in there?

    March 1, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    • Nicely done. “May barbarians invade your personal space.”

      March 1, 2011 at 8:35 pm

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