Typically narcissistic blogging.

To the Guy Who Asked for Change and Offered to Make Me a Vampire (True Story)

Dear Sir,

Thanks for the offer to make me a vampire. It’s obviously a great honor to be chosen; I assume that out of all of the candidates in downtown Oakland at 3am, I was the closest.

When I said, “Let me think about it,” I meant it. I really did go home to think about it, and I’ve decided—yeah, like, okay. Sure. I could totally be a vampire. I mean, I’ve been human for a while and that doesn’t seem like the most winning option of the three I currently have (those being life, death, undeath). But before I let you sink the couple teeth you still have into my neck and let you drain my life (will that hurt or just be sexy vampire fun time—you know what? I can still smell you, so never mind about the sexy part), I just have a couple of questions and minor concerns.

First of all, what kind of vampire would I be? Are we talking Buffy vamps—I lose my soul, get all bumpy, get slain by some superpowered hottie? Or Charlaine Harris—I’m me, only with fangs and an insatiable thirst for melodrama and fucking everything that moves? Or a Stephenie Meyer vampire—who sparkles, stalks underage girls, and was created by somebody who can’t even spell her first name? Because, while I can make either of the first two work for me, if it’s the latter, I’m out. But you know, come to think of it, you don’t sparkle. I don’t think you even bathe. So I guess we are good on that count.

Second: As a vampire, do I automatically get awesome acrobatic and fighting skills? Or do I actually have to, like, train for them?

Third: Which asshole consulted on Underworld?

Okay, I guess I got off track with that one. Where was I—Oh, yes. Okay.

In some books, when people turn into vampires part of the process is that the body releases all of its fluids and fecal matter. So I should totally eat a light lunch the day I see you again, right?

Are all vampires mysteriously wealthy (in which case, I assume you were spare changing for fun)? Is there a bank I will be able to draw from, like a bloodsucker credit union (must be a vampire or somebody who likes vampires—but no fucking werewolves—to qualify)? Or do I build up a base of wealth by ripping off my victims? Do we at least have some pawn shop owners and fences in our ranks? Also, do we just leave exsanguinated bodies in various alleys or is there some kind of mechanism in place for that?

Will my cat hate me?

Can I still gain or lose weight, or am I stuck like this forever? What about tattoos? Hair? Fingernails? Are the fangs actually a whole new set of teeth that grow down, or do my existing teeth just extend?

Will I still be able to drink whiskey?

I really can’t accept your offer of eternal life and damnation without having these questions answered to my satisfaction, so I hope you can get back to me on these very soon.

Warmest regards,


13 responses

  1. My FIRST thought was “Oh, shit, I hope there is no sparkling involved.”

    February 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

    • Yeah, that would obviously be my first concern. Imagine having to be a Stephenie Meyer vamp for all eternity. What a terrible, awful fate.

      February 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm

  2. LOL! Just LOL!! Though these are indeed very valid questions and concerns. If you get these answers, please share and let me know. Especially the questions about the money and the enhanced skills. And also, if you get to hang out in a castle.

    February 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

    • Soon as I hear back from him, I’ll let you know.

      February 2, 2012 at 1:37 pm

  3. Beth

    I see you truly do put serious thought into your afterlife options.

    February 2, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    • When being offered eternal life, one must consider what eternity is really going to involve. There’s a lot of fine details to work out.

      February 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm

  4. Poor old Steph. Her vampires seem a little lacklustre compared with Vlad.

    February 3, 2012 at 1:18 pm

  5. This was so funny I had to read it aloud to Christa. However, she points out that actually, Anne Rice’s vamps don’t have sex, unless you count the dental kind. However, you could totally sub in Sookie’s vamps, and be back in business.

    February 5, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    • Huh. I guess all the sex happens in her ridiculous witch books. Tell her thanks for the correction, and that I will fix based on your rec (because you are totally right).

      February 5, 2012 at 2:51 pm

  6. PS: In relation to Stephenie — did you see this XKCD? (You have to check the alt-text on the image to get the joke…)

    February 7, 2012 at 4:42 pm

  7. After allowing a panhandler to bite me in exchange for pocket change, I highly recommend it! Sure, the herpes is a pain, and most of your friends and family will be less than enthusiastic about you sudden fear of sunlight and bathing, but it’s all worth it when you realize you can turn into a flock of bats. I haven’t been able to do this, yet, but the guy that bit me said it’ll happen any time now.

    November 19, 2014 at 11:25 am

  8. waveray

    I enjoy being ‘snarky,’ and yet—-I am curious about the Vamp’s ability to gain and lose weight. I have met several Vampires and they were lean.

    October 25, 2015 at 8:21 pm

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