Unicorn Free to Loving Home (Must Love Rainbows)
Brunch is the most important meal of the week. So naturally negotiations with regard to favored brunch spots are going to be intense. Witness this (text message) negotiation between me and my friend, who will be known as Alexis, because that’s totally her name. I won’t give out her phone number for less than $1k/person, though.
Note: ALL text messages have been edited for grammar and spelling (this convo happened between 1 and 1:30am) and some have been ellided because they just clutter shit up.
[We decide to get brunch next weekend. I suggest Luna Park. She says…]
Alexis: Can we go somewhere less expensive and with better food/drink?
WP: Right. I am gonna go think about cheap brunch places that don’t serve crappy bloody marys and also how to catch unicorns.
WP: Also, I like oxygen.
Alexis: It can be done. Tipsy Pig in the marina has fabulous bloodies, but we’re not going to the marina.
WP: Right. *scribbles over marina on map of SF brunch spots.* NO MARINA. Farmer Brown?
Alexis: I don’t really like the food there either.
WP: HEY UNICORN? WHERE CAN I FIND A BRUNCH PLACE ALEXIS LIKES WITH GOOD BLOODY MARYS AND, LIKE, A PIRATE SERVER AND A LIVE BAND? ALSO I WANT GOLD PLATES. CHEAP.
Alexis: Ooh, that sounds like a great place! Let’s go there.
[…series of texts in which we narrow brunch spots down to two and I flip a coin to decide…]
WP: Okay. Brunch at Farmer Brown. In other news, I have a unicorn, now.
Alexis: I want one.
WP: Turns out unicorns take up a lot of space? Um. Honestly, I dont know where you would keep one at your place. Also, I think they are allergic to mold.
Alexis: I don’t want one. I don’t think they poop rainbows. I’m pretty sure it’s just regular horse poop with glitter. I don’t want to clean up after that.
WP: Are you kidding? This fucking unicorn has been here for 15 minutes and it’s already left a pile of rainbow in my living room. Worse? No pot of gold. WTF.
WP: Want some rainbow?
WP: Damn. Hey, this whole convo just gave new meaning to “taste the rainbow.”
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