Typically narcissistic blogging.

One Heart, Still Runs, Good for Parts

One of the things I am realizing now that I have begun dating again is that, while my head is in much better shape than it was a year ago, my heart is still pretty badly wounded. I recently described it as being held together with nails and bubble gum and random crap off the street, and I should probably have included duct tape and string. Seriously, you could totally list my heart on Etsy, and it would probably show up on Regretsy within hours. Upcycled heart, vintage nails, found objects, bubblegum that has only been chewed by hungry underprivileged children in Detroit. A perfect accent for your office or nursery!

I thought about that for a while, yesterday, while I was trying not to doze off during the slower parts of a mock trial (for which I was a mock juror). And I realized, I can’t really offer this to anybody. Not like this. It’s all in pieces, and the gum is kinda gross, and there’s the issue of tetanus, and is the duct tape a little grimy? And what is that?

So what to do with this damn thing? Will somebody really want it, as is? If I take all this crap out of it, will it hold together on its own with a little help and a little encouragement? I kinda can’t tell anymore. I know this thing still works (I listened closely and it’s still ticking), and theoretically it’s still good. But I’ve been hurt so much and so often that I can’t really convince myself that I am going to have any other experience, and I’m running out of things to hold this heart together short of encasing the whole goddamn thing in resin. At which point, it would definitely feature on Regretsy.

Also, fuck that noise. What’s the point of having a heart at that point?

Lately, I’ve been absolutely loving Florence + The Machine’s Shake It Out, which I have been informed is about a hangover, but which I interpret more personally as a call to let go of the shitty past and start anew (also, there’s no shaking anything when I have a hangover, unless it’s the bottle of Excedrin to see how much I have left, and maybe that’s what she’s really talking about, there). That is, of course, easier said than done, but still a worthy goal. The line that strikes me hardest is, “And I am done with this graceless heart/So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart.” I have no idea how to do that, or if I should, but it sounds ideal.

Maybe it’s time to rewatch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Good lord, I’m wordy. All that when I could have just said, I’m scared. I’m scared, vulnerable, and every step forward requires a deep breath and determination. But I am moving forward.

I’m finished with running away.

2 responses

  1. Good call.

    The word ‘redemption’ has been hijacked by the religious; but one of the greatest things about us as human beings is that through some mysterious chemistry we can find and recognise a true soulmate, regardless of appearance, age, race or creed. The recognition of someone who feels that strangest of things, ‘our second self’ is one of the greatest rebirths we can go through. Our old saggy selves become precious in someone’s eyes because that’s the way human beings work. It’s not for everyone: some prefer to find their miracles elsewhere, up a mountain, trekking across a desert, or running an orphanage in Mumbai, or suchlike. Each to his own. But that miracle you are looking for is worth the chase, and it is little short of rebirth.

    April 10, 2012 at 11:04 am

    • I’m not sure I believe in “soulmates,” but I definitely believe in finding a real partner (and maybe ultimately that’s the same thing, I don’t know).

      And yeah—I guess I am hoping that what looks like old rubbish to me looks like treasure, either to this girl I have just met (if I am very, very lucky) or, if she should decide it’s not for her, to somebody, eventually.

      It’s just increasingly difficult to believe that anybody could actually want the whole package, messed up as it seems.

      April 10, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Talk back to me:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s