Typically narcissistic blogging.

Dear “Nice Guys”: The Friendzone is a Lie


It’s all over the internet. On blogs. On Twitter. People bitch about it on Facebook. As you can see on this informative Tumblr, it’s all over OKCupid.

It’s bullshit.

There is this whole idea that, just because a dude is nice to a woman she should want to fuck him. It’s an inherently misogynist perspective on what it means to be friends with a woman you want, but for whatever reason, cannot have. It implies that said woman owes you something for your kindness and friendship. Sorry “nice guys”, she doesn’t owe you a goddamn thing, and the friendzone is something made up by “nice guys” who would rather blame the women around them for the fact that they are single than take a look at themselves. condewonkazone Why are those other guys getting the women? It’s not because they are assholes. It’s because they go after what they want. It’s because they make themselves desirable—and I am not just talking about looks and money, I am talking about charm, wit, and a willingness to use them both when the times are right. I’m no looker, guys, and I am broke most of the time (hell, I spent two years way, way underemployed), but I have never had any problem convincing women to spend time with me. And I do this by virtue of 1. Humor and wit; 2. Intelligence and observation; 3. Not being a whiny little bitch who can’t take responsibility for my own shit; 4. The ability to say, “Hey, I totally dig you”; 5. The ability to accept it if the feeling is not returned.

So let me make something clear: You have NOT been friendzoned. You are a FRIEND. So, dude. Stop thinking with your dick and be a good friend. When your crush is telling you all about her relationship problems, don’t make it about you and whether she should be with you. If you must be narcissistic in the moment, then pay attention. You are learning what not to do in other relationships. Don’t decide that being an asshole is the answer. Don’t put that ridiculous bitterness all over the internet. It accomplishes nothing and—big surprise—makes you look like an asshole, and one that no woman is gonna want. Turns out, chicks don’t dig whiners. Weird, right?

If she doesn’t have romantic feelings about you, don’t whine about it. Your options are: 1. Decide you are cool being her friend and let go of the fantasy; 2. Let go of the friendship if you can’t let go of the fantasy (sticking around and pining isn’t going to change her mind about you, but moving on and growing will make you feel better and may help her see you in another light); or 3. Stick around doing the same old thing, pining and listening and wondering why she isn’t fucking you instead of that other dude when you are SOOO much nicer to her.

But dude, if you really think she owes you something because you have provided a willing ear, you are not a nice guy. If you really think she’s obligated to want to be with you just because you give her relationship advice and are always there for her, you are not a nice guy. If you think a woman should be something she isn’t just because you want her to be and you think you deserve it, you are not a nice guy. You are just a dude who needs to grow up and move on.  snape

11 responses

  1. Michele

    I Love this! You have put into words what I have thought for a long time. I am so glad I stumbled upon your blog! You make me smile every time I read 🙂 Especially today!

    December 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    • Thanks! And thanks for the smile. Hope you stick around!

      December 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

  2. Auros

    Yeah, this.

    The problem a lot of “friendzoners” have is that they have not figured out that _rejection is OK_. It sucks at the time, but it won’t kill you, and it’s possible to get past it, and to maintain a friendship with the person who rejected you. It’s even possible to learn how to flirt in a way that lets the other person either encourage more or indicate disinterest, while still maintaining some level of plausible deniability that lets you continue the friendship without having the really awkward “I’m just not that into you” conversation. But if you’re going to be a pansy-ass loser who can never come out and say, “I really like you and I’d like us to have a romantic / physical relationship” in any way, then no, it’s not likely you’re going to get laid. Eventually you might luck into finding a girl who’s bolder than you, but given the social conditioning, it’s less likely; and the girls who ARE forward enough to say what they feel and want, are unlikely to find a spineless dweeb attractive. 😛

    December 20, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    • Auros

      Of course, a lot of the jackwads on that blog are not at all “nice” — they’re all about how they “treat a lady right”, except if you look at their answers, they think a girlfriend should basically be their property. (The man should be head of household, there are situations in which somebody is obligated to put out, etc…)

      December 20, 2012 at 2:02 pm

      • Yeah, but that falls in line with the “friendzone” idea–it makes a girl their property (or almost property) by virtue of their simply having been decent to her. It isn’t at all surprising that their ideas of a woman’s place in their life are essentially misogynist and backward.

        December 20, 2012 at 2:04 pm

  3. Sarah

    Well said. Now that you mention it, this mental move seems weirdly equivalent to the classic “I don’t know what you and your sisters do” bait-and-switch in Ani’s “Gratitude.” It’s always good to get a firm reminder that, no, “this is not my obligation.”

    December 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

  4. Pingback: The Friendzone and Me « atheist, polyamorous, skeptics

  5. Jeff Jackson

    The matter you describe here is not so much “friend-zoning” as much as it is a guy being a chauvinist manipulator by playing her shrink to get in her pants. As I’ve understood it, often a guy WILL express a level of romantic interest in a woman from the outset. Then, in not reciprocating, the woman will rejoinder with “I’m not looking to date right now, let’s just be friends” or “I’d like to be friends first.” Were she interested, she would just date him, and not simply give him a wishy-washy sense of hope. A guy is compelled to play along with her platonic sentiment, not so much to stroke his romantic hopes as to placate her. If he says “no” (in effect, choosing option “B” and moving on), she may become wildly indignant and accuse him of only trying to get laid and “use” her. All he’s trying to do is find love, which doesn’t happen by hanging around someone with no interest in him.

    May 17, 2013 at 9:58 am

  6. Simon

    To all the whiney “Nice Guys”TM and incel dipshits out there, as this post proves; there are guys who are sick of your shit too.

    May 21, 2014 at 8:31 am

  7. women get stuck in the friendzone too. why don’t i see any rants about that?! it sucks just as much for us.

    October 22, 2015 at 3:17 am

    • There is no friendzone. That’s the point of the post. Please consider working on your reading comprehension and come back later.

      October 24, 2015 at 11:21 am

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